Seven seconds till the rise, Can't believe I'm still alive
And heaven was waiting for me.
I thought this would be the end, But I know you'll understand. All that is keeping me here
I dream of a stairway to the skies
My angel is coming down from heaven to take me
I reach out but then you fade away
Whenever you call for me
Know that I'm only one step behind
My senses tell me I have changed
But one this still remains
I'm torn and the hate's still aching
I slowly start to realize
We won't reunite
I still have to march on through
Is it a curse or a virtue?
Have I been blinded by regret?
Perdition awaits my soul is at stake
Will I find a stairway to the skies
In the end?
By Within Temptation - Stairway on the Sky
I can still remember you, the time we spent together. The love you gave and your affection that made me comfortable to stay by your side until the end. I think all this happiness will not change and I think this happiness can last a little longer because you are the reason why I can continue to survive in this mortal world. Maintaining this relationship from a depth that is even deeper than the sea or even higher than the sky that I can never see with my own eyes, a separate future. We have been separated by death. Do you know that I still love you, even now I still miss you. In the night of eternal sadness, love still lives in the deepest corner of my heart. I will continue to be here for you forever, all this time I continue to hope in the darkness of darkness. Waiting for you to come back until finally I can hug you for the last time.
"Life is complicated son, faith is our strength, it alone can save us from darkness. But sometimes life has a way to test our faith, through what we experience, what we feel or it can also be through sadness and even through a loss. I hope you feel at home in another country son and happiness will always come to you remember one thing if you miss home or you are tired of the world there, come here because this is the place for you to return even though there are many bitter memories it's okay let the past be buried in memory." My parents said that when I wanted to go to the city of Stockholm.
The storm is over, the long night has now turned into morning, the birds break the silence of the sad morning. We hugged and cried and held on tightly because we had gone through the darkest part of the night, trying to drown out the memories of the past, trying to calm Vania down then I hugged her again and Vania rested her head on my shoulder and we didn't move or talk for a long time. Just hugging until the longing was cured.
After thousands of days we were not together and this morning I could see Vania's face again. Vania's smile that I had missed for a long time, thousands of days not together it felt like today alone was able to cure my long lonely days. Tears of happiness behind my eyes indicated how happy I was right now.
"So the memory of you dying was just a dream? I asked Vania
“Yes, I’m still alive and I’m here to fulfill our promises that we made together a long time ago.”
My eyes were red because there were tears coming out. “Is there any hope for us or our relationship like before Vania?
“There is always hope, even the slightest bit.”
Then Vania hugged me again and said “Our days of sadness are over, and although the path forward is still unclear for us, what is certain is that the darkness has left us. My hope for you now, Lev. That this will not make you feel bitter. You have had a lot of sadness to endure and you have to risk your life in the future.”
“I just want, I just hope, that you still love me and we can start everything over again from the beginning now.”
“I always love you Lev, until whenever, until I can no longer remember you, I am always for you, my love for you will never be replaced by anything because you are the reason I am able to survive the harshness of this world, you are my happiness now.”
But I really still don't understand how Vania could come back to me and I saw clearly when Vania's coffin was buried in that cemetery.
Some things we don't really understand, who can understand the wonders of creation?
Who can understand what God has planned for us? Who can understand the lines of destiny? Who can understand the depths of the ocean and the life of the stars? And the human heart, who among us can really understand that?
A new day is beginning, this is my day, for me and Vania. She is Vania Larasati. Only she is able to survive until the end when everyone leaves me. Her love that never hurt me before her departure that I thought was dead. This is the day, now. This is a perfect morning, the storm has passed and everything starts again. Even though it is still the rainy season, the soft air, the beautiful blue sky, the warm ground under the hot sun, the remaining raindrops intermittently hit the lily that raises its head again, determined to survive.
This is the day where everything is fulfilled and makes sense. A day that is more precious than the previous years. A day that is as precious as a precious jewel. A day that I can look back on, when Vania and I were together, happy and saved. My heart feels healed after seeing Vania.
I love and I am loved so much that it is so amazing. We walk together in our city to remember the beautiful times we have spent together, the place we spent the most time together. The sun is shining, life flows in a deep river around us. All we have is here and now it is enough. Every minute, every second, a lifetime of love and laughter crammed into a few hours after so long we have not seen each other.
“I can’t leave this world with you still not forgetting me. That is a torture greater than anything I have faced, you know how much I love you, Lev.” Vania confirmed
“I have loved you since I first saw you on that beach and it feels like it is hard to breathe when you are no longer here with me.” I replied
“Really, why did you just say it now and what about you approaching me when I was on my campus, the second meeting couldn’t have been a coincidence right?”
“For me it was destiny, I accidentally saw you on campus because I had fallen in love with you I dared to greet you even though I was a little nervous it could be covered by your warm smile that you gave me, for me besides your beautiful face, your heart too, I could feel it from your warm smile. I will always love you, Vania. You know that.”
I know.” Vania leaned down and kissed me, and our souls touched, then we tried to remember each other's faces when we first fell in love, trying to stop time so we could be together forever again without being separated.
Memories.
Do you remember the first time we went to the beach, we walked here on the edge of the beach. Do you remember a few years ago and the night we saw the beautiful stars. Do you remember?
I remember everything, I will always remember, I will spend my whole life remembering it all.
A cloud covered the sun. “Don't think about the past anymore, the past is over, we can think about the future now, our future.” I said.
Oh, we planned everything. We talked about the places we would go: Mecca, Medina, Egypt, Manchester, London, Paris, Istanbul, Dresden, Stockholm, Alaska and so many places. We would see cities and museums and rivers and vast oceans. We would climb mountains and discover new places, and learn to write books, to give something to remember the world before we die. We would do it all together, day by day, step by step all the time we would make time seem to stand still. And our children, how wonderful it would be to see them, I saw them playing around the beach, a sweet cheerful girl and a handsome little boy, laughing and playing in the sand and hugging us and wondering about this and that happily. We saw everything, what we wanted in the future.
"Thank you.” Vania held my hand tightly and said “I wish I knew what to say. Do you remember the poem I tried to write for you? Meaningless words. Right? I thank you and I love you. That’s not enough, right?”
“It’s okay, you know you’ve said it all just by looking into your eyes I already know the meaning of it all. I know how much you love me.”
Now Vania was crying, she couldn’t stop her tears. I reached out and touched a strand of her hair like I did whenever Vania was sad. “Don’t be sad Vania, this won’t always hurt, we can start over.”
“That’s not how it should be Lev. Do you know where this is? Do you really not know what you went through a few hours ago?” Vania said haltingly with sobs
“No, I don’t remember at all, where are we?”
“Okay I’ll be honest and tell you the truth. This is where the spirit world gathers. So, you really don't remember having an accident when you were on vacation with Anatasya."
"Huh, really, so I'm dead and what about Anatasya?"
"Anatasya she's fine, only you were hit by a car when you wanted to cross to Anatasya's car. And I don't know about your death, but I think you can still live if you want to fight for your life because your body is still in a coma there. So, it's all up to you."
"What if I choose to die, Vania?"
"No, don't say that. You are still given a chance to live so fight for your life, there are still many people waiting to open your eyes again."
"Then what about you? I want to be with you again and this long dream is over and finally we can be together again like before."
"That's not the story Lev, your real life is not here and I want you to live because you are still given a chance to live. I don't mind, leave me. I just want to see you happy Lev, I beg you."
"Okay, I'll do it. Only for you." I tried to smile so that Vania could smile too and remember me. The doubt I felt in Vania's eyes was clear.
"There is one more thing I want you to do for me," she said
"Of course. Anything."
"Then live, Lev. Just live. Don't spend your life grieving. I don't want you to stop loving because of me, because we have been separated and our story is not as we ever expected, but continue your life with someone who loves you and who you love for sure."
I actually tried to love someone else but because there are still feelings left for you. I still can't love someone else completely other than you." After saying that I clearly saw the sadness in Vania's eyes towards me.
"Oh, yes. You will be able to one day and you will experience it. Lev, you have to. You have to love and marry and have a daughter with hair like fire and eyes like the sea and a brave son like you. And you will tell him that there is no life in vain, no matter how short, if life has been touched by love."
One last hug and one last kiss.
"Goodbye Vania, you are a good person and your heart too, I am grateful to have known you, we will meet again, right, I promise?"
"When we meet again maybe you are really dead, but for now continue your life, there is still happiness that you need to reach there. Goodbye.
And now that the meeting is over, I return to my body. After being declared dead by the doctor and in a coma for a few hours and finally I could regain consciousness and move my hands little by little and I opened my eyes and saw Anatasya, my mother and father and other people were here where I was lying. They looked very worried and of course. And thank God I could see the smiles on their faces again.
When I opened my eyes there were faces that from below I was lying and looking up I saw that looked no different than grains of sand. I went so far as to say I could read their expressions if I looked at their faces closely, each face I could tell which ones cared and which ones didn't and it looked unique. The face of a mother or father, the face of a sister or brother, the face of a daughter and the face of a son and of course the face of our lover. The face that had been etched with a thousand memories so that it could be distinguished from all other faces. This is the essence of all affection and caring, the trait that makes us human. And if we didn't have it, we would swim forever in the cold ocean, with glassy eyes and an indifferent attitude, and only seeking the most basic needs. We could feel the pain in our teeth and the sting of wounds in our bodies, but we would know nothing about loyalty, and therefore also nothing about the deep sadness that had been felt. If you have never experienced it of course you will never feel it. As we learn, never judge or say be patient to people who are experiencing sadness because you will not know if you have never experienced it.
Everything that happens in our daily lives is due to cause and effect.
Falling in sorrow, the universe always has a plan. The universe never makes mistakes because everything that is destined to meet will meet. Only people who have lost know how to deal with sadness, so how do they deal with loss? For several years I have been trying to find the answer. We are still young, we don't know the future and what will await there. You just have to get up and find happiness again.
There is no past to remember since I let it go, I keep saying all the time that I have nothing left. The moon drifts in silence that shines in the darkness, I will carry the burden of its light towards the future because I don't want to lose my dreams that are not eternal and the shoots of love within me that keep me alive even though pain continues to invade my new path, desire fills me and guides me towards the promised place.
There are many types of love. For some, the right partner is the one who is profitable. For others, a true relationship is enough. It is not wrong to seek love according to your wishes. Even though it is not common, do not let anyone control your life or your heart. I learned from sad and happy experiences that when you find the right person, then whatever form is in your current situation will still be profitable.
I know I have to forget you and move on with my life, I can't hold back my tears for too long. Even though life will not be the same and will not last long but I am indeed to blame for not being able to accompany you in your last moments. And find the strength I need to let you go, Go. You are at peace by His side, say goodbye. Don't look at me now because you might see me crying. I must not fall apart. Or show my broken heart. Or the love I feel for you .....
And goodbye, thank you for loving me so deeply and being loyal to me until the end, I will try to continue my life in the mortal world and when fate brings me together with someone who loves me. Look at you from there because I will start my new life now.
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